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What To Do When You’re High and POSITIVE You’re Dying?

What To Do When You're High and POSITIVE You're Dying?

Culture

What To Do When You’re High and POSITIVE You’re Dying?

Sometimes when you’re high, you feel death is one breath away. You might panic, hyperventilate or cry. If you’ve eaten an edible more than once, chances are you’ve known death was upon you and made arrangements for your impending doom. Worry no more! Here’s what to do when you’re high and dying.

When You’re High and Dying, Tell All Your Friends

What To Do When You're High and POSITIVE You're Dying?

Nothing facilitates death better when you’re high than telling everyone in the room you’re dying. They’ll be able to laugh at your paranoia (judgment free) and offer you some snacks. Or, they’ll ignore you — “Steve thinks he’s dying again” — leave you and have sex in the other room.

If you’re alone, tell yourself repeatedly you’re going to die. Check your pulse. Perhaps dial-up a few exes and apologize for your shortcomings. After all, you don’t want any baggage hanging over your head as you melt into the afterlife on your couch, bed or floor.

Get Philosophical About Life

What To Do When You're High and POSITIVE You're Dying?

So you’re blitzed out of your mind. You feel an inability to speak. The lights around you glow brighter and brighter. You’re not just high, you’re gonna die! Instead of contemplating ‘why’ think of how amazing life has been up until this point.

Fuck all the haters watching you drool in thought as you gaze at the carbonation slowly bubbling up through your tasty IPA. This is your life. You’re high, and now you’re gonna die. On your terms, nonetheless. That faint hum from the overhead ceiling fan? The fan is not really there. What you’re hearing is the hum of death coming closer and closer to you.

The best way to deal with this situation is to retreat into your brain. Think about who you are in this moment while you’re high. Who you were before you decided to get high, and who you’re going to be a few minutes from now when you’re dead.

Get Naked

What To Do When You're High and POSITIVE You're Dying?

The best way to welcome an end to your current high life and usher in the next is in the nude. Strip down out of those bulky clothes and put your back on the floor.If you’re really itching to pass on, take deep breaths. The more you inhale and exhale, the greater your chance of deflating. Just try not to puke.

Not a fan of lying down? Nothing says “I’m dying!” more than the fetal position. Add a little motion by rocking on your sitz bones and you’re ready to tell the world and – yourself – how eager you are to float on over to heaven’s door.

Bottom line, when you’re high and you know you’re going to die, surrender to the weed Gods. In the back of your mind remains some small semblance of reality. Release reality to the ether. Allow your grasp of the tangible to evaporate. The weed Gods are with you now. Surrender to their calming calls for your soul. You won’t be disappointed.

That is until you wake the next morning.

Note: NO ONE has died from being high on marijuana. When you’re high, relax, enjoy riding the wave, and don’t do anything stupid that could potentially lead to an untimely demise.

Stephen Laddin

Stephen is a Los Angeles based comedy writer and sativa enthusiast.

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