This Vape Got Me Higher Than Martian P*ssy And Saved $1000 In Bud

The Herbalizer is a triumph of modern science on some Rick-and-Morty type levels. I received this package of Green Rush glow-up at my doorstep and was immediately taken with it. Mainly, the egg-shaped elegance of the desktop vaporizer makes it a simple appliance to add to your mix without cluttering your man-cave or coffee table. Keeping cannabis paraphernalia is all about managing space. Stashing away a hoard of smoking tools and utensils every time the housekeeper comes over, or your in-laws wanna save on holiday hotels is not ideal.

So boom, in comes the Herbalizer with a slick look that could be confused for a humidifier or something other than what’s getting you mad baked in five minutes. As you open the folding top, the unit fires up its powerful heating engine, getting the attached bowl ready for feeding. The device has two ways to consume canna-substance: vapor therapy and aromatherapy. For my exploration in the world of psychedelic home experiments, vapor was the perfect vehicle.

All you need to do is grind up your herb — about half a gram — fill the bowl about 3/4 full, cover it with the handy balloon or hose tool and inhale yourself from today’s nap into tomorrow afternoon’s. Nah but honestly, here are six reasons why the Herbalizer will be your only vape after one-week test driving.

The Herbalizer is portable.

The Herbalizer is intended for home application, duh. No one in a green hoodie and stonewashed jeans is walking around 5th Ave with a desktop vaporizer looking for a group of fun bros to party it up with.

I mean…I’m definitely not.

I’m just wearing my green hoodie and stonewashed jeans. I don’t even need you guys, so whatever. But if I did want to find a random group of stoners to lure into a family-sized SUV for an impromptu sesh, the Herbalizer would be the perfect bait for my scheme.

It can fit into a backpack easily, and the rubber hose coils nicely into a groove inside of the closed unit. So it’s small enough, contained, and it doesn’t look like anything suspect.

The Herbalizer is noiseless.

A lot of vaporizers would wake up your deeply slumbering landlord. And you know how Mom gets when she’s mad. We don’t want that, and the Herbalizer can make sure there’s peace and calm presiding over your Minecraft tournament.

You can let the Herbalizer hum its intoxicating chant in the background while you refill the serrano garlic aioli in the yucca basket and destroy all n00bs who came to test you.

The Herbalizer is fast.

Usually, with those mountainous vaporizers that look like Back II The Future props, you have to wait for the heat to get so intense that the device is dangerous to touch. And with all the prep time they require, it might be an hour before you’re actually using it to get high. Nah son.

Herbalizer cuts all the time you’d take assembling by giving you a pre-made tool. There’s no temperature between 0 and 450 degrees that it takes more than a minute to reach. So you come home, flip the top up, load the herb, and that’s it. Dare you to roll something in that amount of time. Shit’s impossible.

The Herbalizer is potent.

There are three useful settings (Uplifting, Balanced and Intense), but for our purposes, let’s talk about the one that will make you not wanna “talk” or “go outside.” Intense. It’s when you aggressively heat the herb between 390 and 445 degrees to get a powerful dose all at once. And it’s cray. With your half a gram, you’ll definitely be good for the night after some vape hits on the ‘Intense’ dial. And that means it’s actually lit as soon as you step in the room.

The Herbalizer is multi-purpose.

Remember the aromatherapy side? Yup, that part. If you have essential oils, cannabis or not, you can heat them also. It works well for relaxation and getting the smell of curdled cheddar and corn chips out of your life. Invest in some oils, since you’re already saving with the Herbalizer. Which brings us to the absolute peak benefit of this invention…

The Herbalizer saves you money.

Stretching the amount of weed you have is a great result here too. Instead of blowing up smoke clouds of your savings, the Herbalizer allows you to use the least bud for the most significant effect. In a week where I’d usually steam through an eighth with the weekend still ahead of me, I was able to conserve almost a full gram by vaping with the Herbalizer instead of rolling up or using my trusty bowl.

So if you’re sleeping on the Herbalizer, it’s going to knock you over the head with crazy trichomes and THC spells. Why not just give yourself over to it and save a bunch of guap?